


Shine Like Silver

by asphodelknox



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Baker Harry, Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Harry has an abusive relationship, Louis helps him recover, M/M, Mental Abuse, PTSD, Recovery, but there's also really sweet fluffy scenes, cause I can't ever get away from the fluff, supportive Louis, there are scenes of emotional and mental abuse, trigger warning for abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-16 21:18:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15446076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphodelknox/pseuds/asphodelknox
Summary: Sometimes what you never thought you needed is exactly what you need. Sometimes it's right in front of you. Harry find love when he's broken and abandoned, in the one place he never thought to look. Although once he figures it out, he's really not surprised.





	Shine Like Silver

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many, many thanks to my friends and betas, without whom this story wouldn't be what it is: [Vivi](http://hlficpraise.tumblr.com/), [India](https://indiaalphawhiskey.tumblr.com/), and [Amanda](https://always-aqua.tumblr.com/). This story is from the deepest parts of my heart. I hope it will inspire you and bring you hope.
> 
> This story deals with issues of emotional and mental abuse, recovery, and gaslighting. Please tread with care if these are triggers for you. If you have gone through this, and understand Harry's journey, then I welcome you here. I hope this story can provide you a bit of help, hope, and healing. You are never alone and you always, always, always can say no. 
> 
> This is part of a Wordplay prompt challenge that a group of us are participating in for the prompt "polish". To read the amazing fics that were written by the others on this prompt, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/polish/works), and to see all fics written as part of the challenge, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/wordplay_fic_challenge/works) or find the masterpost for this year’s challenge here.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** This is a work of fiction with mature and/or explicit content that is not suitable for readers under the age of 18. I absolutely do not condone minors reading this work of fiction.

_ When It Happens _   


Harry blinked at him. Andrew didn’t mean it… did he? He’d only said they were taking a break, not that they were broken up. How could he come back to their apartment and say he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend?

“We didn’t take a break.” Andrew said again, insistent, talking in that quiet tone that always aggravated Harry. “We talked about this a few weeks ago. We broke up because you were getting too attached.” 

“Too attached?” Harry asked, incredulous. “You’re the one who use to complain whenever I spent too much time with Louis, or Niall, or Perrie, or Jade. You said I never spent enough time with you.” He felt tears in his eyes, and angrily wiped then away. “Does your new girlfriend spend enough time with you?

Andrew shrugged and ignored Harry’s outburst. “I really just came back for my things.”

“Tonight? It’s two in the morning, Andrew.” Harry said, frustration and anger making his heart beat quickly. He’d been sleeping just fine until he heard Andrew rustling around in the closet. He had jumped about a mile when he’d woken up to his boyfriend in his room, after three weeks of no contact.    
  
Once Harry had gotten past the relief of seeing Andrew back home though, he was quickly filled with panic as he realized he was packing.

Now, Andrew seemed to ignore him, as if Harry’s words weren’t making it through to his mind. 

“Do whatever you want with everything else. I don’t want it.” he announced. He had gathered his things by the door and Harry suddenly wondered why he wasn’t taking more. Andrew had been the one to pick out most of the artwork. Why leave it with Harry?

Harry swallowed a barely contained sob.. “You said you loved me. You said you wanted to spend forever with me!” He was shouting now but he couldn’t find it in himself to care about waking up the neighbors. His hands clenched into fists at his sides and he couldn’t figure out if he wanted to punch something or run away. 

Andrew had asked for a break. Harry had given it to him, because, if anything, it gave Harry some time to see his mother and sister again. It gave him a bit of time to work extra hours to make a bit more money without Andrew complaining about Harry not spending enough time at home. He thought Andrew just wanted some time away, not to break up entirely. Harry had ignored the little voice in his head saying it was the end. 

Andrew patted him on the shoulder, frowning as if Harry was overreacting and he was just leaving for the evening, not bailing on their entire future.    
  
“I’m sorry you can’t be happy for me. But, you’ll be fine. I know how strong you are, Harry.” And just like that, he was out the door and down the stairs of the building. 

Harry stood stock still for a moment before dashing out to the porch. Just below him, he could see Andrew putting his bags in his car. He looked up and blew Harry a kiss. Harry watched his taillights disappear out the driveway and down the road, hardly processing what he was seeing.

He walked back into his apartment and looked around at the artwork, the books, the movies – evidence of the three months of him and Andrew filling this place with themselves. He blinked, hardly recognizing any of it.    
  
_ Is any of this really mine?  _ It certainly didn’t feel like his.

Something Louis had said, just a few weeks prior, flew into his mind, kicking him in the jaw.    
  
_ “You’re too damn stubborn, Haz. He’s using you. I hate that he’s using you.”  _   
  
Harry had fought him on that, tooth and claw. Andrew was just easily distracted. Why would Andrew use Harry? Harry, who Andrew said he loved?

But Louis had been saying that the whole time they were together, even if Harry refused to listen. Harry and Andrew had whirled together in a bright flurry of activity, blissfully unaware of the chaos left in their wake, charging toward what they were sure was a great love, with little thought to anyone but themselves. Louis’s words always reverberated in Harry’s mind, but he chalked it up to his best friend’s own issues.

Andrew had just left his girlfriend and, after a night with Harry, had said he was ready to move on with Harry instead. Harry had been caught up in the emotion of the night (as he often was) and had agreed wholeheartedly. Within two months they were moving in together.

Louis had hated all of it. Harry knew he’d tried to be supportive but as Harry saw less and less of his best friend, he wondered if maybe he should have listened to Louis. If Louis was the one with the compass pointing North. Now, it seemed Harry’s compass had gone off the map entirely. 

Harry turned in a circle, searching for a place in his apartment where he felt safe enough to cry, his best friend’s words reverberating in his mind.  _ He’s using you. He’s using you. He’s using you _ . Finding nowhere to turn, Harry collapsed onto his hands and knees, and with a giant shake of his chest, he let loose the sobs he’d pent up for weeks.

He knew Andrew had been using him. He knew it when, the last time he’d arrived home from seeing Louis, Andrew immediately started up a fight about the placement of the cookie sheets. He knew Louis was right when Andrew had muttered his girlfriend’s name during sex one night, and then passed it off as a grunt. 

Harry’s gut told him Louis was right the moment  Andrew asked for a break. Harry had seen it coming, had felt they weren’t quite out of the woods, even if he’d ignored the signs. He knew it was going to end, that he was just waiting for the inevitable. He just didn’t expect it to hurt this much. 

Harry looked down at his hands through his tears. They were going tense, his fingers curling in on themselves without his permission. He felt like he was going into shock. He covered his mouth, trying to muffle his sobs, trying to stop himself from crying, but he couldn’t hold back, couldn’t prevent the storm and the rage and the destruction from bursting forth out of him, pulling his heart, his lungs, his very self away, away, away, so that they lay shattered in pieces around him. 

Even though he knew it would end, Harry had loved Andrew. The promises he’d made had been earnest. He’d promised to love Andrew always, that no one else would be as special or as important or as pivotal in Harry’s life. But how did you keep such promises when the person you made them to betrayed you? When they didn’t want those promises held? How did you cope when you were released of promises you knew you shouldn’t have made in the first place but were going to try to keep anyways until the bitter end?

A bitter end indeed. Was this what it was like to be brokenhearted? Having promises wretched from your grasp without your permission? Your heart flayed out on the floor at your feet?

He grappled for his phone, barely getting it in his grip. He opened his contacts and scrolled through name after name. Who would be awake? Who would be able to hold him? Would anyone know what to do? Had anyone else experienced pain like this? Was he alone?

He paused over Louis’s number, and his heart sank. He hadn’t spoken to Louis since… well, since Louis had said Andrew was using Harry three weeks earlier. It’d been the longest they’d ever gone without talking. 

They hadn’t even stopped talking over a year earlier when Louis had confessed he was in love with Harry. And while being with one of his best friends created a rush in Harry’s heart that was rather intoxicating, he just wasn’t sure they were really compatible. It’s why he hadn’t really said yes to Louis and Andrew had come around not long after. It only just occurred to Harry that he probably had broken Louis’s heart. And Louis hadn’t even told him.

He sobbed again, dropping his phone to the floor, his hair wet from the tears he’d shed, and his chest a mess from snot and tears and saliva. He curled down over his legs, his face pressed into the carpet, his hands holding his ears as if he could shut out the million “I told you so’s” reverberating through his mind. He felt like he’d been ripped limb from limb, inch by inch and swept away, a memory that no one could be there to see the end of. 

He felt wrung out, lost, loose, and lame. He shut his eyes, tried to breathe, and rolled onto his side, curling up in a fetal position, falling asleep where he lay.

 

_ Before _

_ Harry rang Louis’s doorbell and before he could blink, the door was open and he was encompassed in the arms of his best friend.  _

_ “Haz!” Louis said, his high voice sounding like music in Harry’s ear. Harry let out a sigh he hadn’t known he’d been holding in. He hadn’t meant to leave Andrew in the middle of a fight but… he’d take happy Louis right now, over Andrew being upset about cookie sheets and kissing.   _

_ “Hey, Lou,” Harry said as Louis let him go and ushered him inside. “I’ve missed you.”  _

_ “You too,” Louis said with a grin. “Come on, I’ve got the oven on.” _

_ “What’re we making?” Harry asked, taking off his shoes and hanging his coat next to Louis’s on the rack.  _

_ “Niall requested that we make something with chocolate,” Louis explained, “so I thought we could keep it simple. Brownies,” he finished with a flourish. He swung his hand over the kitchen island and Harry had to laugh.  _

_ Louis had premeasured and presorted every ingredient, making the island look like something from a cooking show rather than just an evening of friends cooking together. There were four mugs of steaming tea and Fleetwood Mac in the background. Harry heard Niall and Liam giggling together as they walked down the hall, and Louis grinned knowingly.  _

_ There really was nothing like your best friends. _

_ Niall and Liam flurried into the kitchen, each of them giving Harry hugs before Niall made his way to the fridge, jumping up and down. Harry felt lighter than he had in weeks just from seeing his friends’ smiles. _

_ “What do you want to drink, Haz?” Niall asked. “We’ve got beer, cider, wine, the works.”  _

_ “Just water,” Harry said. “Andrew doesn’t like it when I drink.” He wished he hadn’t said anything about Andrew the minute the words left his mouth. _

_ The moment was infinitesimal, but Harry saw the quick look Niall and Liam exchanged and their haphazard glances at Louis. Louis just frowned, but he let the moment pass. Niall handed Harry a glass of water, Louis began shuffling ingredients and Liam spoke to break the tension.  _

_ “How’s the bakery, Haz?” Liam said, leaning onto the island. “It’s been ages since we’ve seen you.” _

_ “I know, I’m sorry,” Harry said. He watched as Louis fidgeted with a whisk, dumping flour and sugar into one of the bowls on the counter. “It’s good. Perrie and I talked about trying to buy it when Jan sells it, which could be any time.”  _

_ Niall broke into a grin. “Haz, that’d be great! Your own bakery.” Harry could practically see the pastries dancing in front of Niall’s eyes. “We’d get free pastries, right?”  _

_ “Of course,” Harry said, reaching across the island to grab the eggs, whisking them with the vanilla and a bit of milk. “Who else will I shove my day olds onto?”  _

_ Liam reached across Louis and grabbed a handful of chocolate chips, Louis swatting at him. Harry stared at Louis, trying to make eye contact, but ever since he mentioned Andrew, Louis hadn’t looked his way, hadn’t even talked to him really.  _

_ “So will you and Perrie need a lawyer, then?” Liam asked with a winning grin, pulling Harry’s attention away from Louis.  _

_ “Are you volunteering?” Harry replied, knowing exactly where this round of questioning was going.  _

_ “I don’t think I could let anyone else be your lawyer, Haz,” Liam said. “I’d be remiss as a friend and as a lawyer. It’s my job to support up and coming businesses, you know.”  _

_ “And does Andrew support this up and coming business?”  _

_ Louis finally looked up at Harry and his eyes were stormier than Harry had ever seen. The tone of the conversation changed from lighthearted to tense in less than a second.  _

_ “Louis,” Niall said quietly, taking the bowl of dry ingredients from him. “Not now,” he said gently. _

_ “No, I’m curious,” Louis said, resting his hands on the counter. He looked challengingly at Harry.  Harry frowned at him, and for a moment, he thought he saw a flash of panic in Louis’s eyes. _

_ Harry shrugged. “Andrew doesn’t really comment on it. He’s encouraging and he said he’d help us get a loan if we need it. He doesn’t like the idea of me working more hours, says I’d spend too much time away from home.”  _

_ “That seems to be his common complaint. You’re always spending too much time with anyone who isn’t him. Aren’t you allowed to have friends and outside hobbies?” Louis said somewhat bitterly and Harry tried to stay calm. Louis was upset about something and that meant an explosion was in their future if they weren’t careful. Harry just wanted some time with people he loved where they weren't arguing. He wanted Louis’s crinkly-eyed smile back. _

_ “That’s not really how relationships work, Lou,” Harry said. “You have to make sacrifices.”  _

_ “No, you have to make compromises. That’s different.”  _

_ “You haven’t really had a serious…”  _

_ “Don’t start with me about which of us has had a serious relationship, Harry,” Louis said. “That’s not a fair argument and you know it.” The look in Louis’s eyes made Harry cringe and look away for a moment. Louis was right. It wasn’t a fair argument.  _

_ “Louis, I really don’t think…” Liam interjected, but Louis was on a roll now. _

_ “We were supposed to see you a month ago.” Louis said. “We didn’t because Andrew pulled some dinner reservations out of his ass. Reservations for a restaurant that you’ve been wanting to go to for a year, that has been open  _ for a year _. He could have taken you any other time, but no, he had to tell you to cancel our plans, that we’d had for weeks, because his were more important.” _

_ “He’s my boyfriend, Louis,” Harry replied calmly. “Of course his plans are more important.”  _

_ Louis’s nostrils flared. “Not when he doesn’t let you see anyone else. When was the last time you saw your sister? Your mum?”  _

_ “Louis, you’re being ridiculous,” Harry said, waving him off, trying to fight off the rising unsettled feeling in his gut. Louis couldn’t be right.  _

_ “No, tell me, Harry." _

_ Harry opened his mouth only to realize that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his mother, in person anyway. He’d seen Gemma three months earlier, which was ridiculous considering they lived three miles away from each other.  _

_ Harry locked eyes with Louis. The fire had gone out of Louis’s baby blues, and he looked… concerned.  _

_ “He’s pulling you away, Haz,” Louis said, his voice cracking. “He doesn’t even care that he’s pulling you away from your friends, your family, from...” Harry didn’t need Louis to finish the sentence. Louis was going to say that Andrew was pulling Harry away from him.  _

_ “He’s not pulling me away from anything,” Harry said. He looked at Niall and Liam. “Tell him, guys.”  _

_ Liam and Niall exchanged a glance. Louis never took his eyes off Harry and Harry found he wanted to reach out and comfort Louis as much as he wanted to slug him in the chest.  _

_ Niall spoke first. “This isn’t the way we wanted to talk to you about this but…” He paused and looked helplessly at Harry. “Louis’s right, Haz.”  _

_ “What?” Harry said, looking between the three of them.  _

_ “We’re just concerned,” Liam said.  _

_ “Concerned that I have a relationship with someone who loves me?” Harry muttered. “What great friends you are.”  _

_ “We...” Niall said and Harry could tell Niall was trying hard to not use his psychologist speak on Harry. “We don’t think he’s the best person for you. We’re worried about you, that he’s…” Niall trailed off.  _

_ “That he’s what?” Harry asked, looking between the three of them.  _

_ There was a moment of silence. “We think he’s using you, Haz,” Liam said. “We’re afraid he might be using you as a rebound.” _

_ Harry caught Louis’s eyes. The concern was still there, alongside something that Harry couldn’t pinpoint.  _

_ “Andrew is not using me,” Harry said levely. “He’s not. He’s just absentminded. He’s over his ex. Really.” _

_ Louis shook his head. “You’re too damn stubborn, Haz.” There was fondness strung in next to the worry and Harry found himself willing Louis to say that this was a joke, that they were teasing. They were his friends. If they really were worried…  _

_ No. They didn’t know Andrew like he did, didn’t know anything about their relationship. They couldn’t say…  _

_ “Louis, I think maybe your concern is misplaced.” Harry addressed Louis, because he knew that if anyone had started the worry train, it was Louis. Besides, Louis had a bit more stock in Harry’s relationship status than Liam and Niall did. “Andrew and I are fine. We’re great.”  _

_ “Why do you always complain about how much you fight then?” Louis asked. “Why don’t you drink anymore? Why did you let him pick out all the art in your apartment when you don’t even like landscapes?” _

_ “That’s what you do,” Harry said. “You make sacrifices.” Even as he said it, he knew it sounded like a thin response. But Louis was the one being ridiculous here, not him. _

_ Louis shook his head. “He’s using you. I hate that he’s using you.” The way he said the last bit was so soft, intimate in a way that should have been private, a way that had Harry wondering how Louis truly felt about him now. _

_ “Why?” Harry asked. “I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m still here. I can still do both, you know. Be with Andrew and still be your friend.”  _

_ “That’s not what…”  _

_ “Look, if you’re going to berate me for my boyfriend while I’m here, then I’m just going to leave.” Harry turned to go and walked into the hall. Liam and Niall didn’t say anything, their looks of concern making Harry feel sick. _

_ “Don’t leave, Haz,” Louis said, coming around the island. Harry ignored him and slipped on his shoes. “Please, I just wanted to talk to you about this. I’m worried…” _

_ “You don’t have to be worried, Lou. You’re not my boyfriend.” Harry said, opening the door. _

_ Louis’s face went red. “That’s not… that’s beside the point.” Louis’s voice cracked and his words rushed past Harry as he walked to his car. “Haz, I think he could really hurt you…” Harry didn’t pay attention, unlocking his car instead. _

_ “Call me when you want to hang out with me and not berate my boyfriend, alright?”  _

_ Harry climbed into the driver’s seat and backed out of Louis’s driveway. He drove home, back to an argument he and Andrew hadn’t finished, about where to put baking sheets and how they could have made out if Harry hadn’t gone to see his friends. Louis’s worried and dejected form grew smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror as Harry tried to focus on what he was going towards and not what he was leaving behind. _

 

_ Two Hours After _

Harry woke up to knocking on his front door. He groaned, and wiped his mouth, wet from drool. His eyes felt heavy and he looked around him blearily.  _ Did I fall asleep on the floor? _

“Andrew…” He whispered and the knocking continued even as his heart twinged in pain. Andrew was gone. Harry was alone. 

The feeling momentarily blinded him, his breath hitching in his throat, and he couldn’t comprehend where he was or what he was doing. For a moment, he felt like he’d been drop-kicked by a giant, landing on his back, the air knocked out of his lungs, never to return.

“Harry, are you in there?” A voice grabbed Harry out of his loneliness and he stood, shakily, Louis’s voice pulling him towards the door. “Harry, please answer the door, damn it! Are you…” 

Harry opened the door and Louis stopped in surprise, looking flushed and relieved and worried all at the same time. Harry didn’t need to know how he appeared after crying himself to sleep on the floor. The look in Louis’s eyes said it all. 

“Harry,” Louis said, reaching out to him but pulling his hands back at the last second. “Are you… what happened?” 

Harry swallowed. “How are you… here?” Louis stood at his doorstep but Harry thought perhaps he was dreaming. Why was Louis here? Hadn’t they been fighting? 

“You called a few hours ago and left me a message. I think you must have butt dialed me or something. All I could hear was you… you were crying.” 

Harry thought maybe he should feel more complicated emotions than the one he felt at that particular moment in time. He’d just been dumped by his boyfriend, and he’d spent the entire night on the floor after crying himself to sleep. He hadn’t thought he had anyone to turn to. He’d never felt more alone.

But here was Louis, on his doorstep, looking for all the world like they hadn’t fought several weeks ago and hadn’t spoken in just as long. All Harry could comprehend was relief. 

“Lou,” Harry said and he sighed heavily, his eyes tearing up. “He left me.” The words felt like they’d been wrenched out of him.

Louis did touch him this time, stepping forward to wrap his arms around Harry’s shoulders and pull him into a hug. Harry wrapped his own arms around Louis’s waist, gripping him tightly. 

“He left me, Lou.” Harry cried, tears falling into Louis’s jacket. “He said we broke up a few weeks ago, but we didn’t, we took a break. I know it.” He sniffed, his whole body shaking, his hands trying to grip onto Louis like he was an anchor in the storm. “I had your voice in my head telling me it was over, that he was going to pull some stunt like this. I didn’t want to believe it.”

Louis didn’t say anything, just stood there holding Harry as if letting go would cause Harry to disappear. Harry felt he could disappear into Louis’s arms, away from the pain he knew he’d have to face. After a few more moments, Louis pulled back. 

“Let’s make you a cup of tea, alright?” He said, and he smiled tenderly at Harry. Harry nodded and walked back into the apartment, vaguely aware of Louis following and closing the door behind them. The clock on the wall said it was four in the morning. He’d only been asleep for two hours. Harry felt like he’d slept for years. 

Louis ushered Harry to his dining room table and Harry realized hazily that while he’d lived in this apartment with Andrew for three months, Louis had never actually been over to visit. Louis had never seen the place Harry and Andrew had shared. He couldn’t help but wonder what Louis thought of the place. It seemed rather foreign to Harry, now.

Louis bustled around the kitchen, a quiet flurry of opening cabinets without slamming them, finding Harry’s favorite mug on the first try, and setting the kettle to boil with the lid on, just like Harry preferred. Louis looked more at ease in the kitchen than Andrew ever had and Harry figured Louis knew his way around because he’d listened to countless tirades by Harry on how to properly organize one. 

Harry watched Louis move about the room, feeling the intensity of his heartwreck receding. He took a deep breath, his gaze following Louis as he picked out tea for them, and Harry felt his heart settle down, coming to rest, even while his body still felt like a live wire. Was this how it felt to be shell-shocked?

“Lou,” Harry said. “I’m sorry about the last time we…” 

“Don’t worry about that now, alright?” Louis said, his back to Harry as he mixed two mugs of tea. 

“But…” Harry started, but Louis turned and cast Harry a look that told him to shut up and drink his tea. Louis passed Harry his mug and he took a few sips, watching Louis dig through the freezer, pulling out a pint of Ben and Jerry’s with a triumphant noise. 

“All’s forgiven,” Louis said gently, passing the pint to Harry with a comforting smile. “Come on, Haz,” Louis said, grabbing spoons from the drawer. “Couch.” 

Harry got up and followed, settling in on the couch next to Louis. They sat cross-legged, facing one another, their knees overlapping. Louis tossed a blanket over them and handed a spoon to Harry, before digging into the ice cream himself. 

Harry just stared at Louis for a minute. Was this what he’d been missing while he’d been shacking up with Andrew? Was this the kind of boyfriend Louis had wanted to be? Was Harry really that blind to his best friend, who knew exactly what he needed and came to help Harry even though their last interaction had been an awful fight?

He wasn’t given time to dwell on it because Louis spoke. “Do you want to talk about Andrew?” He looked thoughtful. “We can make his name a curse word if you want.” 

Harry chuckled vaguely and shrugged. “There’s nothing to tell. He asked for a break, and I gave it to him. He came back and said that we hadn’t been on a break, that we’d broken up, and did I want to meet his ex-girlfriend next week cause they’re back together.” 

Louis gaped at him. “The asshole.” He said after swallowing a bite of ice cream. “That sounds like a lot, actually. He lied to you?” 

Harry grimaced. “I guess.” 

Louis rested a hand on Harry’s knee. “Haz, I will never tell you that I told you so. But I will say, I think he was lying to you for a long time. I’m glad you’re away from him, but I wish he hadn’t lied to you. I wish he hadn’t hurt you.” His voice was quiet, gentle, and Harry looked up at him, expecting to see judgment. 

He should have given his best friend more credit. There was nothing but relief in Louis’s eyes. 

“I hate that he did..” Harry said quietly, tapping his spoon on the rim of the ice cream pint. 

“I do too,” Louis said. Harry nodded absently, pondering in the silence.

“I think I started to see it during our break.” Harry sighed. “He always complained about how he never saw me but I felt like I saw him all the time. Like you pointed out, he was pulling me away from you. Besides, all he wanted to do when we were together was make out or have sex. It was like I stopped being a person.”

Louis whimpered just once, so quiet Harry wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. But Louis’s cheeks flushed and he suddenly found his tea rather interesting and Harry wondered what part of what he’d said had caused the reaction. 

“I just don’t know why he would do that,” Harry said, brushing a strand of hair out of his face. “Date me, tell me he loved me, move in with me, all the while he was thinking about his ex. Why hoard me and be so possessive if he wasn’t going to stick around to have me?”

An emotion that Harry couldn’t name flashed across Louis’s face. “As we established, he’s an ass,” Louis said. “He should never have done that to you, used you like that.” He rested a hand on Harry’s knee. “You never deserved that. I wish…” He swallowed. “I wish you never met him.” 

“You and me both,” Harry said. “And thank you.” Louis smiled softly and nodded, his cheeks turning slightly pink. 

Louis took another sip of his tea and listened while Harry talked. He nodded and asked questions and Harry found he had forgotten what it was like to spend time with someone he enjoyed and who actually cared about Harry as a person. He had forgotten what it was like to spend time with Louis. Louis laughed freely and helped Harry remember how to smile. Louis held his hand while Harry cried, assuring him that he would be alright in the end.

“Are you going to stay here? In this apartment?” Louis asked after Harry had cried a bit more, called Andrew some names, and the ice cream and tea were gone. 

“I don’t want to. It doesn’t feel like me. But I don’t know where else I could go.” 

“Come live with Niall and me,” Louis said, hardly missing a beat. 

“Would Niall be ok with that?” Harry asked dubiously. 

“It was his idea actually. I sort of panicked when I heard you crying on the phone.” Louis said, looking bashful. “Niall said that if that was the case, then I was to pack you up and carry you home right away. He said I could punch Andrew if I had to.” 

“I’d have liked to have seen that.” Harry found himself able to chuckle. “I have to tell the apartment manager first.” 

“Well then,” Louis said, looking at him expectantly. “I know you don’t want to bring the artwork home. You hate realism.” 

“You’re right,” Harry said with a grin. 

“Yep. I always am.” Louis teasingly. “Come on, let’s pack you up and get you out of here. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can move on.” He threw the blanket off and collected their teacups and ice cream spoons.

Harry paused, folding the blanket in his lap and running his hands over it. “I guess I have to, don’t I?” Harry said. Harry thought it odd that he wasn’t kicking and screaming at the mention of moving out. Two months earlier the prospect would have seemed ridiculous. But Andrew had obviously moved on and Harry wasn’t the type to sit around and wait for someone who clearly didn’t want him. 

Besides, he had to keep going forward. He couldn’t just sit around wishing for life to happen to him. He had to keep moving.

Louis slid his hand into Harry’s and gave it a squeeze just for a moment. “Only out of the apartment. You can move on in your own time, however you need. You’ve just got to keep moving forward.” He walked to the kitchen to deposit the spoons and mugs. “Just think of yourself as silver.” He called.

“Silver?” Harry asked, confused.

Louis called from the kitchen, loading the dishes into the dishwasher. “It’s a weird thing my mom used to say: any hardship was like polishing silver. You had to rub the gross stuff off to get to the shiny stuff underneath.”

“Are you calling me shiny, Lou?” Harry found himself teasing and it felt refreshing after the heavy emotion.

Louis popped out of the kitchen, shrugging. “Mom always said that the goal was to become shiny like silver.” He pulled Harry up to stand. “All in due time.” He let Harry’s hand fall and walked toward the bedroom. “Now, where’s your suitcase?” 

Harry watched him go, filling the corners of the apartment where he’d had so many fights with Andrew, so many nights of staying home instead of going out or seeing his friends like Harry wanted. Louis somehow brought the sun into the dark corners. 

It caught Harry off guard and he suddenly wondered if he had somehow missed something very, very important. If perhaps, something had just been rubbed off him, and parts of him were beginning to learn to glow. If, just maybe, Louis was more important than Harry thought.

 

_ Before _

_ “You know what having our own place means?” Andrew asked as he and Harry finished making their bed for the first time in their apartment.  _

_ “Getting our own kitchen?” Harry queried. The kitchen was definitely his favorite part of the apartment. Granite countertops, plenty of storage space, two ovens. Heaven.   _

_ Andrew rolled his eyes. “Getting to have sex whenever we want. No more worrying about your roommates.” There was a jab there but Harry ignored it.   _

_ Harry nodded in fake seriousness. “Ah, of course. That’s the only reason two people would ever move in together or get their own place.”  _

_ “Obviously,” Andrew said, walking over to where Harry was fluffing the last pillow. “Want to mess up the bed a bit?”  _

_ Harry didn’t get a chance to answer. Instead, Andrew wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist and pulled them back onto the freshly made bed.  _

_ “We just made the bed, Andrew.” Harry deadpanned. _

_ “We’ve got to christen the apartment somehow,” Andrew said and kissed Harry square on the lips. Harry kissed back with an amused grin. It was rather exciting. _

_ Messing up the bed took no time at all. Within five minutes of kissing and rolling around, the duvet was crooked, a pillow was on the floor along with all their clothes, and one of the sheets was wrapped around Harry’s leg.  _

_ Andrew kissed his way up Harry’s chest, sucking a bruise on his collarbone, trailing his nose in Harry’s hair. Harry hummed happily. _

_ “My body really wants to have sex with you,” Andrew purred, and things for Harry came to a complete stop.  _

_ Andrew didn’t notice, kissing his way back down Harry’s chest. But Harry lay there, rolling the statement over and over in his head. Just his body? Andrew’s body wanted to have sex? Not Andrew himself? Surely he didn’t mean it like that. _

_ Andrew kissed down Harry’s thigh, oblivious to Harry’s internal dialogue. On any other day, in any other encounter, Harry would have ribbed him for being a tease, passing up sucking Harry’s dick for kissing his thighs. Today though… in this encounter… Harry suddenly felt off-kilter, like the bed had tilted thirty degrees.  _

_ Why had Andrew phrased it like that? What did he mean by it? And why did Harry suddenly feel more like a sex doll than a human being? _

 

_ Six Months After _

Autumn had always been Harry’s favorite season and he felt autumn winds at his back blowing him through the front of the door of the house he shared with Louis and Niall. 

He chuckled to himself and hung up his hat, coat, and bag before making his way to the kitchen. Niall and Louis sat at the island, Niall buried in his psychology books, and Louis absentmindedly typing away on his laptop. The sight of Louis brushing a strand of hair out of his eyes had Harry’s heart doing flip-flops. 

Harry’s heart had been doing more and more acrobatics around Louis lately. It was like Harry’s heart was trying to tell him something he already suspected. Louis still cared for him… it was obvious from the way he lit up whenever Harry entered the room, the way Louis took extra care to make Harry his tea exactly as he liked it, the way they sat close together under blankets during movie nights with friends. 

Harry had broken Louis’s heart when he’d turned him down and started dating Andrew, but Louis was still there when Harry had his own heart broken. Louis was the one who helped Harry move all his artwork out of storage, who cried with him on really bad nights, and who made cups of tea whenever Harry seemed down. 

Louis had stuck around. And every time Harry thought about it he wondered if perhaps he’d chosen wrong. Harry spent quiet mornings baking wedding cakes by himself, wondering where he’d be instead if he’d said yes to Louis all those months earlier. 

He figured it didn’t matter at this point. Harry came home to Louis every day and that was enough. He still held out a little hope that perhaps, one day, he’d get a second chance with Louis. It was a hope that had taken up residence next in his heart, bidding it’s time till it could burst into bloom.

“Hey roomies,” Harry said, walking around the kitchen island to the stove. “Is there hot water?” 

“Yeah, I just made some,” Louis said, looking up to smile at Harry. “I just hadn’t made my tea yet.” He smiled the crinkly-eyed smile Louis reserved just for Harry and Harry grabbed two mugs out of the cabinet, trying steadfastly to ignore the swoop of his stomach. 

“How was the bakery, Haz?” Niall asked absentmindedly, flipping through a page in one of his monster-sized textbooks

“Fine. There is some leftover brioche and a baguette in my bag.” Harry said with a smirk, knowing exactly what Niall was asking. “And I brought you one of the cherry chocolate cookies, Lou.” 

Louis cheered and Niall hummed in approval. Niall had leaped out of his chair and gathered the bounty from Harry’s bag before Louis or Harry could make a move towards the entryway. He put the cookie on the keyboard of Louis’s laptop before sitting back down, taking a bit out of the baguette with a hum.

“I was craving bread,” Niall said, chuckling at the startled look on Louis’s face directed at the cookie. “The cookie won’t hurt you, Lou.”

“Niall,” Louis began, and Harry had to grin at Louis’s put off expression. “Niall, you got crumbs on my keyboard.” 

Niall swallowed, looking abashed. “Sorry mate. I was in a state.” 

“I can’t write in these conditions,” Louis muttered. 

“I can’t study without carbs,” Niall muttered in reply. 

Harry watched the entire exchange seconds away from giggling. Louis picked up the cookie gingerly and blew on his keyboard, crumbs flying off the laptop and onto the counter and the floor, before taking a bite and humming happily. 

“I just swept this morning.” Harry deadpanned before laughing, as Niall rolled his eyes and Louis giggled. 

“Honestly, you two are ganging up on me,” Niall said, looking between them with amusement. “I’m going to my room to study.” He gathered up his books and bread. 

“Aw, Niall, you don’t have to go,” Harry said. “I’m making tea.” 

“No thanks, mate,” Niall said. “I have a hunch you two will be chatting up a storm in a few minutes and I won’t get anything done once that starts. I’ll come down to help make dinner.” He gave them a wave and a smile and walked up the stairs. 

Louis was calmly picking crumbs out of his keyboard so Harry set two cups of tea on the counter for them and sat in Niall’s vacated seat. 

“Has Niall been studying all day?” Harry asked. Louis took a bite out of his cookie and nodded. “He’s working too hard.” Harry sighed. 

“So are you,” Louis said, nudging Harry in the ribs.

“Perrie and I are just way closer to buying the bakery than we thought,” Harry said. “We could buy it next month.” 

Louis’s eyes grew wide. “That’s amazing, Haz!”

Harry nodded, the giddy feeling in his chest blooming even more at Harry’s enthusiasm. 

“Haz, we should do something to celebrate,” Louis said, his computer lying abandoned and forgotten on the counter. “We can call Liam over, we can marathon Star Wars or something, we can order dinner from that Greek place you like so much.” 

Harry placed a hand on Louis’s shoulder. “I’d rather not tell Niall and Liam just yet, actually.” Louis looked at him curiously. Harry shrugged. “I don’t want to jinx it.”

“You just told me.” Louis pointed out. 

“Yeah, but you’re special.” Harry countered. 

“Am I?” Louis teased, gently tickling Harry in the side. Harry giggled and grabbed at Louis’s hand. His heart was pounding but he probably couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity. 

“Yes. You are special.” Harry said, his voice soft and low and Louis stopped trying to tickle Harry, looking up at him with guarded eyes. “You’re special to me, anyway,” Harry said. He looked down at their entwined hands, wondering if Louis could read his mind. 

Louis squeezed Harry’s hand. “You’re special to me too, Haz.” They sat in the pregnant pause for a moment, Harry feeling his heart and the hope in his chest partner up to a vigorous jig.

“Can I ask how special?” Harry said slowly, venturing a look into Louis’s eyes. 

Louis swallowed but returned Harry’s gaze. “My…” He paused and cleared his throat. “My feelings for you haven’t changed, Haz.” His voice was quiet but steady, like he was speaking an incontrovertible truth.

Harry looked down at their hands again, playing with Louis’s fingers. “The feelings you had a year and a half ago?” He asked, knowing he was treading dangerous water here. He could wind up hurting Louis all over again, he could wind up getting hurt again himself. But there was something in Louis’s gaze that pulled at Harry to seek out whatever Louis still felt. 

“I still really want to date you, Haz,” Louis said quietly, and Harry looked up at Louis, feeling him trace a finger down the back of Harry’s hand. It sent shivers up his spine and Harry thought perhaps Louis had more to say, but the statement hung between them for a moment, Louis looking down at their hands, his cheeks colored pink.

“I’d really like to go on a date with you, Lou,” Harry whispered. The minute the words left, he felt lighter than he had in a long time.

Louis met Harry’s eyes now, relief, hope, wonder, and his telltale smirk all flickering in his gaze. “Want to go out for dinner with me this Friday?” 

Harry nodded, feeling his dimples pop out in his grin. “I’d like that a lot.” 

Harry thought he might burst when Louis pulled their clasped hands to his lips, kissing each of Harry’s fingers in turn. He thought he might spontaneously combust when Louis said he could pick the place and it would be his treat. 

Then Harry realized he’d do neither. He slung his arm around Louis’s shoulders and they shared the chocolate cherry cookie, still a bit wonderous at the prospect of a date.  
  


_Six Months and Three Days After_

“How many appetizers do we want?” Louis asked, peeking at Harry over the menu. “I see four that I like and five that I know you’d like. Shall we get six to start?” 

Harry gaped at Louis before bursting into laughter. “Louis, there’s no way we could eat all that. We’d need Niall here too and we’d still have leftovers.” 

“Firstly, I don’t want Niall crashing our date,” Louis said with a pretend frown. “Secondly, there’s such a thing as carry out boxes. Whatever we don’t eat we can just take home. We’ll feast for a week.” He looked rather excited about the prospect. Harry reached over and took one of Louis’s hands in his. 

“Let’s get two.” He said. “If we like them, we can always come here again.” 

“Are you already up for a second date?” Louis teased. His teasing had become freer throughout the week, ever since they’d agreed to go out. Harry didn’t mind in the slightest, especially if it meant Louis getting his hands on Harry to tickle him.

“Darling, I’m up for ten times that, if you are.” Harry bantered back. He squeezed Louis’s hand. “Now which appetizers can we narrow down to on this list?” 

They bantered back and forth a bit more before settling on a trio of fries (the online reviews said the fries were amazing) and something with carrots that Harry was sure Louis agreed to only because of the starry look in Harry’s eye when he’d read off the ingredients. 

They placed their order for appetizers and dinner and a moment of silence fell after the waiter walked away. Harry grinned sheepishly at Louis, who gave his hands a squeeze. 

“I’m glad you said yes,” Louis said, looking thoughtful. 

Harry nodded. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry about all of it, really.” 

Louis shrugged. “It’s in the past…”   
  
“I know.” Harry cut him off. “But I do need to apologize. I didn’t give you a chance like I should have. So much would have been different if I had. I wouldn’t have broken your heart. I wouldn’t have ended up…” 

Louis leaned down and kissed Harry’s hands. “There’s nothing to worry about, Haz. It’s all forgiven. I’m just glad you’re giving us a chance.” 

“Yeah?” 

“I think we can be pretty great, don’t you?” Louis was oozing confidence and it eased the bits of Harry’s heart still knotted up with worry. 

“I do,” Harry said and the agreement in Louis’s grin made the missing pieces fall into place, lining up in a way they hadn’t with anyone else. 

 

_ Seven Months After _

One of Harry’s favorite things about how Louis kissed him was the way Louis’s hands held him. He had this habit of gripping Harry’s waist to pull him in for a kiss, before wrapping his arms around him and holding Harry so close he sometimes wondered if they fused into one person. He could feel Louis’s heartbeat in his chest like they synced up.

With Andrew, Harry had seen sex as a necessary part of a functioning relationship. He didn’t always enjoy it… Andrew wasn’t the most of attentive lovers. Louis, however, made Harry feel like he was the only person in the world. They hadn’t even slept together yet, but even just making out with Louis felt like a new world of possibilities. And he really wanted to sleep with Louis.

It was a rainy Friday evening. Niall was out of town and Harry and Louis found themselves lazily making out on the couch. Louis was lying on his back with his arms wrapped loosely around Harry’s waist. Harry was on top of him, hands resting on Louis’s chest. 

Louis trailed his nose along Harry’s jaw, kissing his cheeks, his nose, his dimples. Harry had to grin. Louis had a bit of an obsession with his dimples and it made Harry smile every time Louis kissed them. 

“Are you ever going to get tired of my dimples?” Harry teased, kissing Louis’s cheekbones and temples and hair, breathing in his scent and letting it wash over him.  

Louis chuckled underneath him and flicked his tongue across one of Harry’s dimples. “Nope.” He said, kissing his way lower, down Harry’s jaw to his neck. “I could never get tired of any part of you, love.” 

Louis had a lot of nicknames for Harry: Haz, H, Curly, babe, darling. But “love” was new. The fondness in his tone left Harry with no question as to how Louis meant the term. Louis stilled his ministrations on Harry’s neck, as if just realizing exactly what he’d said. Harry lifted his head away, kissing Louis on the cheek. Louis blinked quickly, and Harry couldn’t help but be hopelessly endeared.

“Love,” Harry said, looking down at Louis, somehow knowing in his gut that this would be a moment he would look back on as defining their relationship. “That’s a nice nickname.” 

Louis turned pink and shut his eyes for a moment. “I…” 

Harry kissed him on the lips, trying to transfer as much courage and care into the kiss as possible. “You what, love?” He said, the nickname sliding off his tongue with ease. He liked how it felt to call Louis his love.

Louis kissed him once, deep and long, before pulling back and tracing his hands along Harry’s chest. He looked at Harry with so much longing that Harry felt it down to his toes. “It might be too early…” Louis whispered.

Harry bumped Louis’s nose with his own. “Not for you, it’s not,” he said kindly, thrilled that Louis most likely still loved him and knowing without a doubt his own truth. “Besides,” Harry leaned back so he could look into Louis’s eyes. “I love you, too.”  

Louis smiled so hard he squinted and placed his hands on Harry’s cheeks. “Haz, I’ve never stopped loving you.” He took in a deep breath, and Harry kissed one of Louis’s palms. “Even when you were with Andrew,” Louis continued, “I couldn’t stop. You’ve always made me better. You help me see the world differently. I thought I’d lost…” Louis trailed off and Harry slid his arms around Louis, tucking his hands under Louis’s back. 

“I know I broke your heart, Lou,” Harry said. “I’m sorry. If I could take back the whole thing with Andrew I would and I’d say yes to you instead.” He’d seen it clearly within two months of Andrew breaking up with him. “But I know what I want now. I want you.” 

Louis’s smile got impossibly wider, and he brought Harry’s face down to his, resting their foreheads together. “I want you too, Haz. I love you and I want to choose you every day if you’ll let me.” 

“Only if you let me choose you back,” Harry replied. Louis nodded and that was all the encouragement Harry needed to dip down to kiss Louis again, sliding his tongue between his lips, tasting a whimper Louis let loose as he pulled Harry closer, wrapping his legs around Harry’s thighs. 

Harry pulled back, just enough to look at Louis through his eyelashes. “I really want to take you to bed, Lou.” 

Louis was looking at Harry with that same longing, and he smiled before nodding. “I can’t even tell you how long I’ve wanted you in my bed.” 

Harry grinned and stood up, freeing himself from Louis’s legs and holding out his hand to Louis. “Let’s go to bed then.” 

Louis grabbed Harry’s hand, pulling himself off the couch, and tugged Harry to the bedroom. They fell onto the bed, a tangle of limbs and flying clothes, and Harry wondered idly if Louis was trying to kiss every inch of him with how much Louis couldn’t stop touching him. 

Afterward, Harry had an answer to his question. Louis  _ had  _ kissed every inch of him and hadn’t stopped looking at Harry like he’d hung the moon. Louis hadn’t stopped paying attention, hadn’t stopped asking Harry what he wanted or what he felt. Harry hadn’t stopped answering and found he couldn’t pull his hands from Louis’s lithe form moving above him. By some first time miracle, they’d come at the same time and Harry couldn’t stop grinning, watching Louis come down from the high, his hair stuck to his forehead, looking at Harry like he was everything. Harry snuggled into Louis’s chest, both of them naked and sweaty, and he thought maybe, to Louis, he  _ was  _ everything. Louis was certainly everything to him. 

 

_ One Year After _

Harry lazily opened his eyes, blinking back the sun as it peeked through the curtains in Louis’s room. He smiled to himself and snuggled backward, into Louis’s chest. He heard Louis groan and smack his lips, nuzzling his face in between Harry’s shoulder blades. 

“Haz, you smell good,” Louis said, his voice quiet and soft in the early morning, making him seem softer in the light falling in between the slits of the curtains.

“Thanks, I showered,” Harry replied, earning him a poke in the ribs for his sass. He chuckled and rolled over onto his back. Louis was always cuddly in the mornings, and it was Harry’s favorite part of the day: Louis sleepy, soft, and cuddly. It never got old and Harry was never any less endeared by it. 

Louis kissed Harry’s shoulder and snuggled against Harry’s chest. “What time is it?” 

“Morning,” Harry replied. He caught Louis’s hand before it poked him in the ribs again. “It’s Saturday, Lou. I don’t have work today and neither do you.” 

“But breakfast,” Louis mumbled into Harry’s pec. Harry chuckled. 

“True. Waffles?” 

“Yes please.” Louis lifted his head to look up at Harry. “Have I told you lately that you’re amazing?” 

Harry smirked. “You told me that quite a lot last night.” 

“Well…” Louis said with a nod, “You  _ were _ amazing last night.” Harry chuckled. Louis had been pretty amazing too. Not that that was anything new. They had chemistry in and out of bed and it still occasionally shocked Harry that they were so compatible, shocked him to think he’d almost missed this. 

Louis bit Harry’s waist tenderly. “Have you told you lately that I love you?” 

“Not this morning, no,” Harry said with a smile. 

Louis pushed himself up on his arms, hovering over Harry. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’s waist. “I love you,” Louis said, kissing Harry’s collarbone. “I love you.” He kissed Harry’s jaw. “I love you.” He whispered, just before kissing Harry on the lips.  

Harry sighed into the kiss, holding Louis close to his chest. He kissed Louis like he had the first time: eager, grateful, and tender. Kissing Louis anchored Harry in a way, and reminded him that no matter if he woke up thinking he was in a nightmare with Andrew, Harry was really next to Louis, usually in his arms, safe and out of the woods. 

 

_ Before _

_ “What’re you talking about, Andrew?” Harry asked, staring at his boyfriend. “I made plans with Louis because you said that you didn’t have plans for us tonight.” _

_ Andrew looked back at him, his brown eyes boring into Harry’s soul. “We talked about this on Saturday, Harry.” He said gently, as if walking Harry through a problem in differential equations, not explaining a planning mix up. “You must have forgotten when you made plans with Louis.”  _

_ Harry frowned and shook his head. “I would have written it down, Andrew. I always do when we have plans.” He shrugged. “Besides, I haven’t seen Louis in two weeks. I promised him we’d bake together. He had a recipe he wanted us to try.” Harry was positive that he and Andrew hadn’t planned anything.  _

_ Andrew shrugged. “You must have forgotten. It’s alright, it happens.” He shrugged. “Just reschedule with Louis. I got us a reservation at The Twins.”  _

_ Harry was sure he and Andrew would have talked about The Twins. It was the newest Italian restaurant in town and Harry had been wanting to go to dinner there for months. There were rumors it would be awarded a Michelin star. Andrew must have really pulled some strings to get them a reservation. Maybe Harry had forgotten their plans?  _

_ Still… he hadn’t seen Louis for two weeks. That was abnormal. They had lived together before Harry moved in with Andrew three months earlier. They’d seen each other every day, grown up together, had hardly been apart. Now getting together had been like pushing a rock up a hill. Harry missed Louis, but he also didn’t want to disappoint Andrew. Andrew was his boyfriend, after all. Wasn’t that where Harry’s priority should lie? _

_ Andrew shrugged again. “I guess I can try rescheduling the reservation.” He said. “You’ll have to wait a few more months, but…” _

_ “No, don’t.” Harry found himself saying. “Let me just call Louis. When are we leaving?” _

_ “Does half an hour give you enough time?” Andrew asked. “I bet you’ll want to look sexy tonight.”  _

_ It was a testament to how well Andrew knew Harry. Harry found food a sensual experience and loved to make a big deal out of new meals, dinners out, and trying new restaurants. He must have just mixed up the dates.  _

_ Harry nodded and walked back to the bedroom, leaving Andrew in the living room reading. He shut the door, mostly to give himself privacy while talking to Louis. He knew Andrew hated that, but Louis was going to be upset. Harry didn’t want Andrew hearing Louis’s hurt.  _

_ Louis picked up on the first ring. “Haz, you alright?” He sounded tense, worried almost. _

_ Harry frowned. “Of course, Lou. You alright?”  _

_ There was a pause. “Of course, Haz. I’m fine. What’s up? I’m excited to see you tonight.”  _

_ There was something off about his tone, something tight and rigid that set Harry’s teeth on edge, but he couldn’t place it. “Actually Louis, I’m calling about tonight. I think I mixed up some dates. Andrew got us a reservation to the Twins tonight. I guess I just forgot to write it down. I’m sorry, can we meet up next week?”  _

_ Louis didn’t answer right away. Harry almost spoke again, to make sure Louis had heard him when his high voice came through the line. “I am going home for the week next week. Mum needs my help with the girls’ junior high graduation.” _

_ “What about the week after?” Harry asked. “Andrew and I don’t have any plans yet. We could meet on Tuesday afternoon once I’m done at the bakery.” _

_ Another pause. “Sure, Haz. Have fun at the Twins tonight.” Louis sounded tired, resigned. Harry could almost imagine him rubbing his eyes like he always did when he was frustrated. _

_ “Louis,” Harry started. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault, I just mixed up the dates.”  _

_ “It’s not your fault, Haz,” Louis said forcefully. “Don’t you dare think that. It’s a simple mistake and frankly, I blame Andrew for not communicating more clearly.”  _

_ Harry rolled his eyes. “Lou, don’t blame Andrew. He actually got me reservations at the Twins!” Harry felt a twinge of excitement now. He was going to dinner at the Twins after a year of wanting to. _

_ Louis chuckled. Something still felt off but Harry brushed it aside. He probably just felt a bit off kilter for not writing something as important as dinner at the Twins down in his planner. “Have a good time then, Haz,” Louis said. “Take pictures because I’m jealous as hell.” _

_ “I wish you could come with us.” Harry blurted.  _

_ “I wish you and I could go too,” Louis said. “Have a good night, Haz.” He hung up and Harry pulled his phone from his ear to stare at it for a minute. He texted Louis just to be sure.  _

_ H: Are we alright? I really am sorry.  _

_ Three little dots showed up in their message and Harry held his breath. _

_ L: Of course we’re alright, H. I just miss you.  _

_ H: I know, it’s been ages. But we’ll see each other soon, I promise.  _

_ L: Pinky? _

_ H: Definitely.  _

_ Harry put his phone down and turned to his closet. If he was going to the Twins, he had to dress to the nines. _

 

_ Two Years After _

“No!” 

His own shout woke him up. Harry felt Louis next to him, climbing out of bed and dashing around to kneel in front of Harry’s face. 

“Haz,” he said, reaching out to him. “Love, it’s alright.” 

Harry propped himself up on his forearm, rubbing his eyes. Was Louis really there? Was he imagining him? Was he really going to wake up to Andrew, berating Harry for waking him up? He didn’t know if he could stand not waking up to Louis. Harry glanced around the room, searching until his eyes landed on Louis’s baby blues.

“Haz, I’m right here,” Louis spoke again, quietly, calmly. The look in Louis’s eye had Harry crumpling, his head dropping to the mattress, silent tears falling onto the bed. He vaguely felt Louis wrap his arm around his shoulders, sitting on the edge of the bed to pull him close. “I’m right here, love. I’m right here.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry said quietly. Would the nightmares stop? Would the constant need to check that it was Louis next to him rather than Andrew ever go away? Louis squeezed him to his chest. 

“Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for.” Louis assured him, rubbing his back and gently rocking them from side to side. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“It was a memory, this time,” Harry said, and his voice was slow, like he could pull the memory out of his mind to leave on the floor and forget forever. If only he could. “When he took me to The Twins and you and I had to reschedule hanging out.”  

Harry hadn’t known it at the time, but Louis had been so angry that night. Harry supposed he had every right to be. He was watching his best friend get used.

Louis climbed back into bed, over Harry, to lie behind his back, wrapping his arms around Harry’s middle and hugging him close. Harry shuffled back into Louis’s chest. “Do you want to bake today when we’re home from work?” Louis asked, his voice sounding light and comforting.

Harry nodded. “That’d be nice. Make up for lost time.” 

Louis leaned forward to kiss Harry’s temple. “There’s no lost time to make up for.”

Harry shrugged. “Feels like it sometimes.”

Louis smiled tenderly at him. “I know. But it was part of the process. We have each other  _ now _ . And we wouldn’t have unless we’d learned to polish off the gross stuff. That’s a far sight better than us never getting together, I think.” 

Harry chuckled. “You’re right.” 

Louis poked Harry in the ribs. “Yep. I always am.” 

Harry poked him back, and they rolled around, teasing and tickling, till Harry was grinning again and Louis was on his back, Harry’s taller frame curling up into his side. They fell asleep like that, chests breathing in unison, chasing Harry’s nightmare away. 

 

_ Before _

_ Harry hummed to himself as he stepped out of the bathroom, a towel hung loosely around his waist. He was meandering towards the bedroom, pondering what time he should set his alarm for, when suddenly he felt Andrew behind him and a blindfold going over his eyes.  _

_ “Up for some fun?” Andrew said with a kiss under Harry’s ear, his dick pressed into Harry’s back, and Harry could tell Andrew was grinning.   _

_ Harry sighed internally. He really needed eight hours of sleep tonight. The twelve hours shifts at the bakery were starting to get to him. Perrie had told him just this week that he was moving like a zombie. But… Andrew wanted fun. He’d be so disappointed if Harry said no. They’d hardly been able to see each other this week. Harry nodded and Andrew scooped him up in his arms and carried him to the bed.  _

_ The towel slid off Harry’s waist, leaving him naked and he adjusted himself on the bed, momentarily chastising himself for forgetting to make it that morning. Andrew hovered over him, kissing him open mouthed and sloppy. They were Andrew’s favorite kind of kisses, seeing Harry covered in his saliva, marked in a way, as his. Harry kissed back absentmindedly. Maybe if they could finish up soon, he could get his eight hours of sleep. _

_ Harry could feel Andrew getting harder through his jeans, which was a good sign if Harry wanted to get to sleep soon. “Wait here,” Andrew said, kissing Harry on the cheek and climbing off him. “I have an idea.”  _

_ Harry heard Andrew walk out of the bedroom and to the kitchen, the fridge door opening and closing and Andrew’s footsteps coming back. Harry wondered whether he should call it quits or if they were too far gone to pause the evening’s events. He was really tired. _

_ “I thought maybe dessert could be you, tonight,” Andrew said and before Harry could respond something cold dripped onto his chest. Harry shuddered from the temperature change. It made him want to curl up under the covers “You look so sexy blindfolded, baby.” Andrew said lowly.  _ Nevermind that I hate being blindfolded, _ Harry thought.  _ Or that I just took a shower.

_ Harry felt his hands being pulled over his head, heard Andrew saying “I’m going to tie you up, alright?”, felt one of his scarves lace around his wrists. Harry bit back a sigh. _

_ “You’re not making any noise,” Andrew said and Harry didn’t need to see his face to know he was pouting. Harry felt Andrew begin to lick his chest, lapping up whatever had been poured on him, biting at his nipples.  _

_ Harry let out a showy, throaty moan, Andrew purred in response, but Harry felt his soul go quiet. _

 

_ Three Years After _

Harry blinked quickly, shaking his head.  _ It’s just a memory. It’s not reality anymore. _ He thought to himself. His eyes fell on the girl in the corner of the bakery, snacking away on yogurt without a care in the world. 

_ Of all things, why did he have to use frozen yogurt? _ Harry thought.  _ I loved frozen yogurt. _

He finished unloading a new batch of muffins into the case, and stood, scratching at his forehead absentmindedly. What was next on his list?  _ Quiche for tomorrow _ , he thought.  _ And the wedding cake for next week. _

“Harry,” Perrie said, her voice lilting through his distracted thoughts. “Why don’t you go home early? You’ve finished everything for today.” 

Harry blinked and looked at her. She’d used purple eyeshadow today which made her green eyes look a bit cat-like. Harry thought perhaps she could see right through him. 

“If you’re sure, Pez.” He said, feeling the weight on his shoulders that just wouldn’t leave even after all this time. 

She smiled at him and touched his shoulder. “I’m sure. We’ve got Niall coming in later anyways and it’s only a Wednesday.” 

“I didn’t buy this bakery with you to tap out so much.” At least one part of him was shining brightly. The bakery was so successful that he and Perrie had hired staff within six months. Now if only these darker days would go away. 

She shrugged. “You also didn’t date Andrew intending to get hurt.” She said quietly. Harry was right… she did see right through him. “Go home, cook Louis dinner like you like to, and read something fun. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“It’s been three years, Pez.” He said, feeling like he was reaching out of the dark to speak. “Shouldn’t I be over it by now?”

“It’s been five for me. I don’t think it’s ever something you  _ get over _ .” The bell above the door rang and Harry watched as Perrie shifted from friend mode to customer mode. She paused before moving to the register. “The only way is to keep moving forward, yeah?” 

He nodded and carried the trays to the back, hanging up his apron, grabbing his coat and bag, and bidding Perrie goodbye before exiting out into the rain. It pricked and prodded and dabbed at his skin and he looked up, feeling drops rest on his eyelashes and cheeks. 

He took a deep breath, standing still, letting the memories wash over him. He opened his eyes and took another shaky breath. 

“Keep going.” He whispered to himself, Louis’s reminder spurring him on. “Keep shining.” Louis had written it on their bathroom mirror, left it in notes in Harry’s lunch, and waxed poetic about in his birthday cards to Harry. Shine like silver. 

Louis’s voice danced through his mind. “We can only keep going forward, Haz. What’s behind us is done. It’s gone so we can shine.”

Harry cracked a smile and stepped forward. 

The pit stops along the road to recovery often look like crying till three in the morning when you just wish you could stop. It looks like waking up, thinking you’re back in your old reality when you’re not. It’s being afraid to see them again because you don’t know how you’ll react until, someday, you wake up and you aren’t afraid anymore. It’s spending half the journey regretting the whole thing happened and the other half wishing it could all be over already. 

Recovery is a road that keeps going under your feet, even when you’ve tried taking a break or running away or hiding from it all. It stretches before you, the end nowhere in sight. You simply must travel along it, trust the journey and trust the path, biding your time and witnessing the sights. 

Until one day, you’re there, boarding another road, another recovery, leaving your previous journey in the dust. The dust behind you that was sloughed off, the tarnish that was rubbed away through time and experience and life, leaving you to shine bright like silver as you move ahead to the oncoming road. 

Harry unlocked his front door and stepped over the threshold. Louis was curled up on their couch, scribbling away in a notebook, his forehead pinched in a frown, his tongue sticking out of his lips. The late afternoon light fell softly through the curtains, across their cat in the window, across the fireplace in the corner, stretching through the living room to the kitchen, the dining room and beyond, spreading light through the space. 

Louis looked up, the crinkles moving to his eyes as he smiled and stood, walking over to kiss Harry hello. 

“Welcome home, love.” He said. 

Harry dropped his bag on the floor and wrapped his arms around Louis, pulling him into a kiss that felt like it would never end. It would sustain him along the path as he walked farther and farther away from the past. It reminded him that Louis was by his side and Harry didn’t walk alone.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr [here](https://iamasphodelknox.tumblr.com/) and share the Masterpost for the story [here](https://iamasphodelknox.tumblr.com/post/176447759034/title-shine-like-silver-author-asphodelknox) if you like it!


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